What Makes A Blended Family

Blended families – products of divorce, sometimes of widows or widowers – blend step-everything together. Step-siblings, step-moms, step-dads, step-children as well as step-grandparents.

I have always maintained that the people we're born with do not a family make, but rather love and time. Especially time that crosses the years. It's not genes and DNA that bind us, but love.

I remember my nephew when he was a baby and as he grew into a sweet little boy. Even now when I look at him as a grown man of 40 years, I still see that child in the shadows. We have this same feeling for our children.

Blended families – blessings and difficulties.

Adding New Members To The Family

With blended families, as new members are added, these step-relatives can also become the main relatives. When a step-member in the family plays a big role in our lives, it's important to emphasize that it's okay to love everyone.

It can be quite the process to allow our love to bloom naturally. Resentments and insecurities are common among other family members. It's hard to let our hearts open wide, to love without boundaries.

When divorce is involved, it's easy to have anger and hard feelings. When a death is involved, it might feel impossible to step in for the departed family member. It's difficult to compete with a ghost and it should be avoided.

Loving a step-parent doesn't negate or diminish the love for the biological parent. There's enough room for all of us. It's helpful to verbalize this and said it out loud to everyone. Ideally, it should be reaffirmed many times.

Stepmom, the movie about blended families.

Blended Families: Changing "Step" To "Bonus"

For the release of the 1998 movie, Stepmom, actresses Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon, had an interview together. They talked about the word "step" and that it can tend to have negativity attached to it. They thought the word "bonus" would be a great substitute.

Instead of a "step-mom," we could have a "bonus mom." It may seem silly to change the words, but it's worth exploring its potential to express these relationships in a more positive light.

Blessings And Difficulties Of Blended Families

In our modern, blended families, it is often wonderful when we have bonus moms and dads. Our lives are enriched with their presence and guidance.

There is another side of the coin, however – when we face the difficulty of grieving the loss of a father or mother more than once.

The richness these bonus people bring to our lives is invaluable, but as with anything of value, there is a higher price to pay. We tend to view the dying process of our parents as a one time event in life. It is certainly burden enough.

With a bonus family, we mourn the loss of more than one father or mother whom we loved. We have to remind ourselves that it's okay to grieve both of them. Each incredibly different, neither less than the other, both deserving of love and grief.

In my life, I had to say goodbye to two fathers. I had to remind myself that this greater grief was also a greater blessing.

Hearts in the Wind